Title: Into Darkness
Author: Jack Winters

Rating out of 5:
Reviewed by: Student1
Date: 2013-04-24







 Jack, you use repetition very powerfully in this speech.  The bold, stark imagery of darkness and light and of hearts pumping blood gives the speech urgency.  





Your speech works especially well when you keep your sentences brief and crisp; examples are "This is where men are made," and "If you die, you will die fighting for liberty and freedom".














The driving purpose of this speech seems to be to ask the men to follow their leader into battle to take the Fort (might be helpful to name the Fort specifically and make reference to the location "between the waters"; it's importnat because of the strategic location, right?).  Sub-points seem to be  to ask the men to be brave, to perservere, and to work together as a team of Americans.  It took several readings for me to glean those points, however; I think it would add to the power of the speech if those points stood out more distinctly.


The ending is powerful.  How can you make the beginning more immediately riveting?Also, are you sure you want to promise the men that they will survive?  Is that a promise you can really make?  It runs counter to your promise to tkae care of the families of any men who die, and that their deaths will not be in vain. 


The second to last paragraph ends very well- "


I say that this battle shall be fought by courage and freedom! If you do your job right others will do theres right so let's stand strong and capture that FORT!" And the final paragraph is exceptionally rousing.




Another thing you do well is addressing the "elephant in the room"- the fear of not returning to their families alive.
Well done first draft- your ideas are there and your organization is coming along.  Great word choice and, let me repeat, repetition!
Good luck with draft number two.  Can't wait to read it.

- Ms. Abigail





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